In December 2017, I made a decision that has already profoundly changed my life: I got a therapist. For how receptive society is growing to the importance of mental health, the discomfort is palpable when you drop that bomb. Some people even tried to talk me out of it. PSA: If your friend who lives off Hot Pockets told you they were going to start incorporating more vegetables into their diet, you wouldn’t dissuade them. Mental health care functions on the same level of holistic necessity.
I was exhausted by long-standing relationship patterns (we’re talking 10 years) that weren’t working themselves out like I had convinced myself they would. Combative language, spiteful behavior, raging insecurity, you name it, I’ve been squeaking by with boyfriends through carefully batted eyelashes and gushing love letters to repent for my insufferable bullshit. My friends and I have always joked about my diva impulses. But when you’re emotionally pummeling men for answering a text message while they SHOULD BE GRATEFUL TO BE IN YOUR PRESENCE AND DON’T YOU DARE BREAK THE UNDIVIDED ATTENTION TO WHICH I AM OWED…shit could probably change.
For a $40 co-pay and invaluable clarity, I spend one hour each week on a pillow-cluttered couch in a cozy top-floor room of a law office building in Philadelphia’s Rittenhouse neighborhood. There’s something bougie about treating your neuroses amid the city’s wealthiest residents.
Look at me, all troubled and edgy with the disposable income to spill my guts to someone other than my very over-my-shit friends! I think I’ll light a cigarette mid-session for cinematic flair!
Total sarcasm. I legitimately need this and I’m so broke that I’m about to drop to biweekly sessions.
I digress.
Each session has been markedly fruitful. I have learned, and continue to learn, more about myself than I could have ever hoped. Recently, we had a breakthrough on what fuels my insecurities, and in turn, problematic relationship patterns: comparing myself to others. Without getting cringeworthily detailed about my childhood and the progression of this tendency, it is important to note how impactful merely acknowledging it has been. When you live in constant fear that your partner could find someone better than you, it is because you find yourself lacking in comparison to others. That is not healthy. When I’m single, I don’t feel this way at all. I feel independent and confident in what I bring to the table. But as soon as I enter a full-blown relationship, I geek out over the possibility of being left for someone smarter/more interesting/prettier/more creative/funnier…alllll that and then some.
My therapist and I explored the concept of passion pursuits and how our self-worth is often linked to the amount of time spent engaged with them. This hit me like a ton of bricks. How much could I really be dedicating to my passion pursuits to be as fragile in a relationship as I was? She tasked me with writing a list of things I value and am passionate about so we could discuss what I’m doing (or not doing) to pursue them, and how to move in a proactive direction. My list was as follows:
- Writing. Launching my blog was pivotal here. I have a lot of goals as a writer, and consistently churning out work is the only way to achieve them.
- Education. I took the GRE as soon as I completed undergrad with the intention of attending graduate school directly after. Four years deep in a non-profit fundraising career and I am completely lost on this one. Understanding the masters I choose will likely determine my professional trajectory indefinitely, I want to explore this intently before committing. School is also frighteningly expensive.
- Health. I’m that obnoxious person who snaps their workouts and leafy green meals. However, I have plenty of changes to make and a level of consistency I’m working toward. This includes going more plant-based, meal prepping more often, running another half marathon, and more.
- Reading. I feel intensely tranquil and fulfilled when I read. It’s also impossible to improve as a writer without reading. However, it’s hard to reap the benefits when it takes me ages to read a book. This could be improved upon by prioritizing and unplugging more often.
- Financial Stability. It’s baffling to recount how much of a saving powerhouse I was while a.) living alone, and b.) making a salary over $10,000 less than my current. Since moving to Philly, I spend like it’s going out of style. Some days I’m like ~you can’t take it with you! live it up~ and others I’m like **w h y a r e y o u l i k e t h i s**. I am passionate about getting this under control, while still leading a life of fun and indulgence.
- Traveling. Contingent upon financial stability!
- Foreign Language. I’ve taken five years of French and two years of Spanish and feel worthless in both. Becoming fluent is a serious passion of mine.
- My Career. I love what I do, but I have a tendency to procrastinate despite knowing work is exponentially better when I’m productive and results-driven. I’m passionate about amping that up and bringing more value to my organization.
- Relationships. Last on this list but first in my heart, my passion for relationships is unwavering. I want to keep being a good friend to those I have and meet new people to whom I can extend that goodness. I’d love to make friends who write (or want to), so if you fit the bill and live in Philly, drop me a line and let’s grab coffee. I also want to break the aforementioned patterns so that when the right person comes along romantically, I’ll be ready.
I can think of 1,000 other things, some a bit more specific, but I think those nine were a good, catch-all start for me. Passions don’t have to be these sexy, niche subjects like gluten-free post-modern feminist economics in Indonesia. It can be as simple as the freeing feeling of money in the bank and finishing a book every two months. Are you aware of your passions and where you’re at in pursuing them? Determining that will ultimately bring you closer to your truest self, and help you succeed in leading healthier relationships with others. (Or, maybe not! Maybe you’d self-destruct under the weight of too much on your plate and debunk my unprofessional advice! Seems worth a shot, though.)
Also, don’t be scared to get a therapist. And if you need one, I know a chick.