I’ve been pretty bad with this whole blogging thing lately. Life has been a whirlwind and I’m just standing amidst flying debris waiting for the calm. It’s hard to write when my mind is elsewhere. And because I also write for a living, this struggle is twofold.
Adversity is a memorable teacher once you endure it’s chalkboard screech and pop quizzes. It compels me to test new methods of grounding myself that I can then practice indefinitely.
For the past few months, I’ve followed Lee From America religiously. She’s a Los Angeles-based wellness blogger who inspires me with her vibrant, authentic online presence. One thing (among a bazillion) she does that I love is create monthly intentions. For example, she tops her March list with, “To acknowledge, honor, then politely quiet the naysayer within me.”
I love this.
I think of all the time and energy I could save navigating situations if I knew my personal intentions and how outcomes would align with them. We live in a culture of urgency, and I find myself flying by the seat of my pants with no internal guidance far too often. So, per my current multi-layer rut, I decided to adopt this habit. You’d be amazed how differently you approach matters when you actually step back and ask, “does this meet my intentions?”
I want to focus today on my main intention for March, which is letting go of the past. Talk about a doozy.
On Sunday, I was desperately trying to write while Daniel Caesar’s Freudian album blared from my phone. All bias aside, it truly is a masterpiece and was wrongfully snubbed by publications. I was so triggered with memories of my last relationship that I found myself scribbling the outro of Transform in purple ink in a journal:
Can’t quit you, you’re like drugs
Swear I tried to clean up
Too much shared between us
Saved my soul like Jesus
I sunk so far into the feels that this was the most prolific writing I accomplished, and the words weren’t even my own. Why was I allowing this toxic sludge to occupy valuable brain real estate? It’s been forever, I’ve moved on, and this person and I are strangers. Nevertheless, I latched on and milked the misery for all it was worth…which was unsurprisingly nothing.
I don’t want to feed readers generic advice about the impossibility of moving forward when you’re clinging to the past. We all have the scars to prove that. But I will tell you this moment pushed me to eat my words. I always advise people (myself included) to soak up every emotion, good or bad, because they are what make us human. I also think of all the numb, emotionally-void zombies I’ve encountered in my life, and it makes me grateful to be a feeler. However, I’m learning lately how indulgent I can be when I’m sad. I can easily extinguish every burst of productivity by slumping into sad music and pointless recollection. I’ll replay conversations with past lovers and friends like a film strip and watch my world collapse with fresh eyes, as if I hadn’t forgotten that person existed up until that moment. And to be honest, these are mild examples. I save the juice for my therapist.
The wicked twist of it all is how genuinely happy I actually am. Giving in to momentary sadness is the only thing keeping this from fading into obscurity. My ex used to describe himself as a “glutton for pain,” and I think that’s true of most people. We’ll get a taste of melancholy and savor it for hours to the point of self-sabotage, when in reality, we’re completely fine.
This March, I am ceasing the sad playlist curation. I’m done writing it out. I don’t need to go full-blown emo girl to know that I have emotional range. I am letting go of the past, and the only feels I’m indulging are the good ones.
What are your intentions this month? Write ‘em out! (and share them with me if you feel so inclined)