The SELF Series is a six-part event series curated by Kelsey McKee consisting of intimate panel discussions & workshops in Philadelphia • The first panel (SELF Love) was held Thursday, January 9th from 6-9 PM at Sister Cities Café. Follow along on Instagram for upcoming installments @theself.series.
Moderator: Amir Sali Berry
Panelists: Kelsey McKee | Anaïs Cooper-Hackman | Manuela Guillén | Khalia Abner | Dia Becker
Gregarious. Eloquent. Comfortable. For someone who identifies with words that might indicate a knack for public speaking, I go catatonic when asked to flex that muscle. My voice shakes between scarlet cheeks and my hair gets visibly greasier from incessant play. All preparation is trumped by the demon in my head that just knows the audience is feeling secondhand anxiety, which only exacerbates my own, and together we ride one awkward Ferris wheel.
A couple months ago, I gave the final presentation at a conference for hundreds of nonprofit fundraisers in Philly, teaching them how to write data-driven grants in a competitive landscape. Despite feeling accomplished and grateful for the opportunity, I was beyond relieved when it ended. Little did I know it was just a warm-up.
Last night, I spoke about self-love to a sold-out, intimate crowd of beautiful Philadelphians. It’s a humbling task to dig through the identity archives and get vulnerable about how you went from point A (insecure, selfish, delusional) to point B (confident, empathetic, self-aware).
I went into the panel knowing the questions and having prepared comically long answers about two hours before the event, as if I was going to betray all authenticity by shuffling through papers and reading to attendees. We only made it through about three of eight questions, and my answers were a far sloppier than prepared, so I figured I would share them here. Enjoy!
How did your self-love journey begin – when did you realize that the work needed to be done and what steps did you take to get started?
I grew up in a pretty poor, loveless home. I witnessed and was subject to various forms of abuse. Having come from this less-than-glamorous upbringing, I spent my years through high school and college using a kind of unfounded snobbery as means to mask my own insecurities and feelings of inadequacy. I was judgmental, close-minded, dismissive, etc. Then when I was about 22, I started dating this real bad boy, hippie type. And I spiraled out of control with drugs—cocaine, molly, adderall, etc. When I saw myself—a person I believed to be slated for success and good health and a generally conventional life—do all these things I said I never would, that I’d effectively rejected other people for doing, I knew the work needed to begin. I realized the way I perceived and treated others was a reflection of self-loathing. I started owning the story of my home life and actively building empathy, approaching others with love, rather than judgement. Loving others made me able to love myself.
How do you keep the energy going and stay motivated to grow a healthy relationship with yourself?
By actively cutting myself off in moments of shame. I will literally get angry and ashamed at myself for something and I hit myself with the two words that have saved my self-esteem: WHO. CARES. Because shame begets shame. The more you feel it about a certain behavior or characteristic, the more you engage in that behavior, or focus on that characteristic. If you can just be like “who cares that I texted my ex when I said I wouldn’t?” or “who cares that I just binged chips when I knew I’d feel like shit after?” the less likely you’ll probably be to do the thing again. Kind of a kryptonite for self-fulfilling prophecies, “WHO CARES”
What’s your opinion/advice on loving what you see in the mirror?
Think about that thing you hate and imagine it on another person. For example, I used to feel super insecure about the gaps in my teeth. When I perform that quick exercise, I’m like wtf? I LOVE when other people have imperfect teeth, so I need to start loving my own.
I think we all have a good understanding of society’s definition of beauty, but what defines beauty to you personally? When do you feel most beautiful?
I think beauty should remain loosely enigmatic and undefined the way love does, since we all experience and perceive it so differently. Beauty for me personally is when I am living very simply and naturally. I feel beautiful when I know I’m taking great care of myself—mind, body, and spirit—and it shows on the outside. Running 3-5 miles or dancing or hiking because those forms of exercise feel untouched by capitalist ideas of health. Having my morning americano. Eating well and often, but stopping when I’m full. I literally eat pasta every night and it feels just as healthy as a salad. I have treats when I want them. Treating food as both nourishment and celebration makes me feel beautiful. Drinking a lot of water. I usually get about 100 oz daily. Laughing with friends over wine. Reading and writing. Doing my skincare routine and wearing little to no makeup. I stopped wearing face makeup like, bb creams, foundation, bronzer etc. (save for rare occasions) almost two years ago, and that was pivotal to me for cultivating self-love. Sleeping 7+ hours. Living simply gives you a healthy glow. For me, to go to SoulCycle or wear a bunch of makeup or eat most of my meals out disconnects me from myself.
What impact do you feel social media has had on your relationship with yourself and your ability to fully love yourself?
Honestly? It’s had a great impact on my ability to fully love myself. I think the more often we’re able to display confidence, the more innate feeling confident becomes. The only time it has a negative impact is when I’m spending too much time on it, so I’m working on applying the whole “who cares” thing to that.
What does your best relationship with yourself look like? How close do you think you are to that vision and do you think you’ll ever fully get there?
My best relationship with myself looks free of expectation. Because self-love needs to depend less on external factors, which, in my case, include things like getting a book deal. Those things will come if you do the work to get there. But when you have all this stake in anything beyond being a good, loving person, self-love becomes conditional. I think I’m close to that.
In keeping with the theme of self-love/having the best relationship with yourself possible…what advice would you give to your younger self?
Shame is a useless emotion. The quicker you can accept even the parts of yourself that need work, the less it even feels like work to grow.