Back in October, which, in quarantine time, seems like three years ago, I tapped my blogger friend/mega babe/swipe-right-only-if-you’re-hung truth singer Riliegh of Revel + Motion for a sex and dating q&a. I’ll seize any opportunity to rave about this girl: Riliegh is the intimidatingly hot person in the room who shocks you with their down-to-earthness. She’s also unwavering about who she is and what she wants, which makes her one of my favorite voices in the sex + dating realm. (Do you follow her on Instagram yet? Or are you insane?)
Because we had a blast writing our last piece and received a lot of fun feedback (your girls love positive reinforcement), we thought what better time to address all things love and lust than during a goddamn pandemic? You submitted questions. We answered.
Is it possible for two people to like each other equally or does one person always like the other more?:
Riliegh: I like this question. I really want to say that in a relationship two people can love each other equally. However, going off my personal dating experience I have felt there has always been one person who likes/loves the other a little bit more. My last boyfriend, I would say starting off he liked me a lot more than I liked him. As our relationship grew, and I matured more than he did, I grew to love him more than he loved me. I can’t blame him, I was his first serious girlfriend. If I look at my relationship goals, aka my parents, I believe they love each other equally but in different ways. For instance, my dad would do whatever my mom asked of him. While my mom literally won’t do shit she doesn’t want to do even if my dad asks, example: picking up the dog poop in the backyard, lol. So in conclusion to this long winded answer, I believe you can love each other equally and unequally in different ways.
Dia: Ah, the reacher and the settler: a classically refutable cliche of romantic dynamics. In my experience and observations, for a relationship to last (and healthily—like, no cheating, lying, etc.), partners must be equally invested. So it is not just possible for both partners to “like each other” equally, but vital. Contrary to the rom-com drivel that tricks us into thinking this should be effortless, it is a daily choice to remind yourself why you love someone, why you are attracted to them, and why you are grateful for them. Think about your car: are you ever as effusive as the week you bought it? Its bells and whistles fade into the monotony of your day unless you take the time to express gratitude. Love isn’t much different. As for early stage dating, I think emotional equality exists more than we realize, but people play hard-to-get and blur the lines. This makes the individual on the receiving (read: chasing) end more susceptible to believe their affinity isn’t matched. If you feel like you’re working for someone’s affection, I recommend pulling back and detaching some, OR giving them an ultimatum (i.e. “step it up or I’m done”). Two immature approaches, but unfortunately, the “game” of who can look less interested isn’t going anywhere, so you might as well play it effectively.
Can a guy get past a crazy ex and be with you if everything else is perfect, like can bad timing really be a thing? Or if there is a crazy ex in the picture should you run?:
Riliegh: From my personal experience (go to dating tab and read the story about N, yikes) if there is an ex in the picture at all… I say run. If he/she is crazy, then fucking Uber it out of there. I believe crazy exes stay in your life because you don’t want to fully delete them yet. If someone is crazy and harassing you, doing vengeful shit, not letting you move on… THEY ARE NOT OVER YOU! Hot take: you aren’t over them either if you’re allowing them to still contact you. They should be blocked on all social media, phone number, everything if you are fully over them and their crazy ass. If the man or woman you’re talking to hasn’t done that then… my official opinion is they aren’t over them and why waste your time with someone not 100% ready to commit themselves to you?
Dia: So I agree with Riliegh, but my experience is a little murky. I’ve been in multiple long relationships and stayed loosely connected with exes each time. In some cases, it was genuine friendship and a healthy understanding that we just don’t work. In others, though, it was because I felt insecure in my new relationship and liked the security of my ex to fall back on. I think if an ex is acting crazy and the individual tolerates/welcomes THAT kind of behavior, they are not ready for you. There is an addictive quality to tumultuous relationships. You can be emotionally over your ex and still addicted to even their craziest attention, and if you’re not willing to break that, then you cannot fully give yourself to a new person.
How do you successfully slide in the DMs?:
Riliegh: It really can go down in the DMs, if you play it right. My first piece of advice, is don’t be thirsty. I have an IG fan (yup he’s a fan) that literally responds with the fire or drooling emoji to all my selfies/pics of me in going out clothes. I don’t respond to him because that isn’t showing me anything other than the fact that he’s dehydrated as fuck. What about a “you’re beautiful” or “I love your sense of style”? I would respond to those even if I’m not romantically interested in the guy, he would for sure get a thank you from me! Be complimentary but in a non-aggressive way. If the guy/girl is posting about music, restaurants, or book sthey enjoy comment on that!! The age-old adage of “treat those how you’d want to be treated” definitely applies in the DMs.
Dia: To be successful in my DMs, i.e. to elicit a response and maybe generate interest in meeting, you best come correct. This means either speak to me like a human being you know nothing about (because that is what I am), or be so hilarious that I can’t not reply (very rare). Be a little self-deprecating. You got the hot factor for being confident enough to message me in the first place, now be humble in your approach. Maybe even say, “I feel kind of stupid reaching out like this,” because in all likelihood, you probably do. Like Riliegh said, a genuine compliment or acknowledgement of commonality goes a long way.
Least favorite/favorite thing a man can do in bed?:
Dia: I think there are universal don’ts in bed, like going for it dry without foreplay. But something I’ve experienced on a more rare, unfortunate occasion is a weak stroke. What constitutes a weak stroke, you ask? The weak stroke resides in the realm of the unexplained with why cats purr and why we (myself included) enjoy the occasional hentai. His dick may be perfectly average, even big, yet something about his thrust is pedestrian. Lacking the primal instinct that makes good sex great. A combination of speed, enthusiasm, and motion. Anywho, my favorite thing a man can do in bed is give me an oily massage. 🙂
Riliegh: We’re getting steamy in here!!! Totally agree with Dia that there are definitely some universal don’ts in the bedroom. If you don’t care about foreplay I don’t want to know you and you’ll never get to know me. For me, my least favorite thing a guy can do is be louder than me. If you are louder than me I am definitely not enjoying myself and I won’t be speaking to you ever again. Favorite thing a guy can do in bed is care about my needs first. It’s so sexy when a man wants to please you and it turns him on, there isn’t much hotter than that. Hunniiii if you scratch my back I’ll scratch yours, wink wink.
How do you personally know when you’re in love? What’s that specific “a-ha” realization?:
Dia: I mentioned in a recent blog post that when I first started seeing my current boyfriend, I was still seeing other people and generally averse to a relationship. I realized I was in love with this man when I tried picturing my future without him and couldn’t, subsequently cut everyone else off, and knew in my gut that I made the best decision ever. It felt as natural coming out of my mouth to other people as it did marinating in my brain. That moment was the culmination of many a-has, and every day since has provided a new slew. When he raps in the car. When we say the same thing in unison. When we read together in the sun. When I fall asleep on him watching The Wire every night. If you can’t see the little things for their reaffirming a-ha power, monogamy may be a difficult road.
Riliegh: So it’s been a minute since I’ve been in love. It’s been around 4 years actually! Looking back on my last serious relationship my “a-ha” moment was when I realized I was putting his needs before my own. If you know me, it tends to be my way or the highway. When I really love someone I consider their needs more important than my own at times. I agree with Dia, trying to picture my future without my ex was challenging. There was a time where I was planning trips a year out because I was so in love with him. That also made getting over him especially hard because not only was I planning for the future with him, but he was also my best friend. Having a friend that you love in such a deep way is the best part of a relationship to me. But your girl is single AF and I’m proud to say I’m in love with myself more than ever. The moment I realized I loved who I am and how much I’ve grown is every damn time I look in the mirror, and that’s on periodt.
Any advice for a new relationship that coincides with quarantining?:
Dia: This may be the craziest time for new relationships in recent American history. You’re wondering what day it is and if you’ve overstayed your welcome and maybe you should go back to your place because you really need to poop and you’re just not there yet. Challenge yourselves to be more human and open sooner than usual. This speed is probably new for you both, so you won’t be alone in your worries. I moved in with my boyfriend the day I started quarantining and we’d only been together for two months. Things that have helped are working in separate rooms and taking time to enjoy ourselves independently through reading, gaming, exercising, etc.—whatever it is that we would do whilst living alone to decompress. It’s so tempting to spend 24/7 together early on because novelty. But in the long run, it creates unsustainable habits of codependency and chips away at your identity as individuals. Also, make little plans! To go for a walk, to watch a movie, to binge a show, to have a taco night, to play a game. You should always be “dating,” and when dating in the traditional sense isn’t possible, you need to use some creativity.
Riliegh: I’m going to be honest here as the single-girl perspective in this collab post… quarantining with a new relationship sounds like torture to me. It may just be my personality type but I’m the type of person who really values my alone time. In the beginning of relationships it’s awesome because there is so much to be discovered and a lot of sex to be had. I prefer that to be a couple nights a week… maybe a weekend together here and there. To be around each other 24/7 would be smothering for me and take the fun out of getting to know each other. Being around each other all day every day could take the fun out of a brand new relationship. So, my advice would be take time apart if possible. First off, if you or your new boo is an essential worker and being exposed constantly to the risk of COVID-19 you need to seriously consider your health. Are you seeing them and then going home to your family? If the relationship is meant to make it then it’s okay to be apart during these times. My advice doesn’t cover everyone, some people are thriving in this new normal, like Dia and her bf! I love her advice on giving each other space during the day and keeping your identity as individuals. It’s okay to struggle with what to do during this fucking weird time, if you really care about each other then it’ll work out how it’s intended to.
That’s all for now! Remember to follow Riliegh on Instagram @rilieghm and hit her blog, Revel + Motion for delicious accounts of dating pandemonium, skincare #goals, and much more.